Yes......but to much.
Despite being a fan of the namedropped directors, I stand by a strong belief that dialogue can kill a movie.
However. If its a comedy. Dont worry.
Okay, this isn't really a script that I'm going to post. Well, it's not in the screenplay format anyway, because I'm not asking about my screenplay. I just want to know what you guys think of the dialogue. The reason I'm posting it in this format is because this scene's dialogue is very back-and-forth. These two guys have worked together for years and years, and know each other very well. They're in a restaurant early in the morning, and are probably the only two there.
JESSI talks quickly, like he's constantly trying to wrap up the conversation, while LUCI is a little more laid back and level headed. Jessi is the type who'd strangle a joke out of anything if he could. Aaaand GO!
Luci: -- And how much did we pull for that last job again?
Jessi: You?re not keeping track of these things?
Luci: Indulge me.
Jessi: You mean I could tell you that we only got twenty bucks and keep the rest without you knowing about it?
Luci: With a slightly more believable figure, I guess you could, you fucking degenerate. You shouldn?t say shit like that. You?ll get me paranoid.
Jessi: I think you just need to learn to take a joke.
Luci: Jokes are fine, but people need to watch what they?re saying.
Jessi: The way I see it, as long as it?s kept and understood as a joke, there?s nothing to worry about.
Luci: Yeah? Listen to this. True story: a woman in an airport said she had a bomb. She told the security guard that she was only joking, but we all know that saying ?bomb? in an airport is today?s ?fire? in a theater. So despite the fact that she said she was joking, she was detained and they took her to court. Now I don?t know about you, but if I was near someone in an airport or on a plane that claimed they had a bomb, I would pummel them to death just to ensure my own survival, joke or not.
Jessi: First of all, you'd get tried for homicide.
Luci: Yeah, but at least this joker would get what they deserved.
Jessi: Second of all, there?s a world of difference between an obvious joke from me to you and some lady saying she has a bomb? in an airport? to a security guard.
The conversation reaches a lull and Jessi and Luci sit in silence, eating their food. A sour look crosses Jessi?s face as he inspects his blueberry muffin.
Jessi: Look at this.
Luci: What?
Jessi: Look at this shit. Look at how many blueberries are in your muffin and look at how many are in mine.
Luci: What are you talking about?
Jessi: There should be an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin. I should talk to the cook.
Luci: Won?t do any good. You don?t do it yourself, it?ll never get done. It?s just like everything else in this place.
Jessi: This place? The restaurant?
Luci: This city.
Luci?s comment bounces right off of Jessi. He is still disappointed about his muffin.
Jessi: I should talk to the cook.
Luci: You should let it go, ace.
Jessi: What were we talking about?
Luci: I asked you how much we pulled from our last job.
Jessi: Right, right. You want to know how much?
Luci: I asked, didn?t I? How much?
Jessi: Not enough.
Luci: How much is not enough equal to?
Jessi: Less than adequate.
Luci: Well, let?s stop talking about it and do something.
Jessi: I was thinking the same thing. I have a plan.
Luci: Enlighten me.
Jessi: Alright. Doing jobs for these guys isn?t hitting it right with me anymore.
Luci: Fuck it, let?s rob banks.
Jessi: This coming from the guy who has problems with jokes and security. Seriously, though, I don?t want to do these freelance gigs anymore. I?ve been thinking over a lot of stuff and I think we should go back to working for Shane.
Luci: Fuck that.
Jessi: Hey, I'm not working at some run down place, busting my ass just to get minimum wage.
Luci: Look, I'm not saying that we should stop doing jobs. I?m just saying --
Jessi: Yeah, no shit we aren?t going to stop doing jobs. I'm not going to do that minimum wage shit. I'm not gonna be the guy asking people if they want to kill a tree or choke a fish.
Luci is obviously lost, having never heard that curious expression before.
Jessi: You know...paper or plastic...
Luci: Okay, no minimum wage jobs. But I don?t see why we can?t keep doing the jobs we?re doing. I?m living pretty comfortably, and I know you are too.
Jessi: Yeah, well, living pretty comfortably isn?t good enough. If I went back to work for Shane, I know I could double the money that I?m making now, and so could you.
Luci: Jessi?
Jessi: What?
Luci: I?m not working for him again.
Jessi: Those were good times. We didn?t have to worry about anything.
Luci: Yeah, I know, I remember. But looking back, I remember thinking Shane was a real prick to us. Well, not so much to you, but definitely to me.
Jessi: So you?re not going back to the best-paying job you?ve ever had because the boss hurt your feelings?
Luci: That?s not the only reason. There?s just something about him I don?t trust.
Jessi: Well, what if we?d never left this city? We?d still be working for him.
Luci: Maybe.
Jessi: Whaddya mean, ?maybe??
Luci: Maybe we would be working for him, maybe we wouldn?t. I don?t know. You don?t know. It doesn?t matter, anyway. Are you going to finish that muffin?
Jessi: Nah.
Luci: Mind if I??
Jessi: Go ahead.
Luci: There aren?t very many blueberries in this.
Jessi shoots Luci an annoyed look like, ?I know.?
Jessi: Look, I?m going to talk to Shane. Just come with me. See what he has to offer.
Luci: Alright, I?ll go with you, but I probably won?t stay. I already said I?m not working for him again and besides, I?ve got shit to do.
Jessi: Thanks. I just need a ride, and then you can go do whatever you want.
============================================
There 'tis. To explain a few things:
Luci's name is actually Lucian. Originally, when this was going to be a dark comedy, Jessi and Luci represented Jesus and Lucifer, but we've changed the entire concept of the movie since the first days.
Jessi's car, we find out later, is in a parking garage, and that's why he needs a ride. He's not just some loser without a car.
Yes, that was a reference to Casino. That's why Luci calls him "ace".
My two idol writer/directors are Kevin Smith and Tarantino, so that's probably why this is so dialogue-heavy.
Now then, what do you think? Does it flow?
Yes......but to much.
Despite being a fan of the namedropped directors, I stand by a strong belief that dialogue can kill a movie.
However. If its a comedy. Dont worry.
I think it's good, but it might be just a little bit too long. It is quite "tarantino like". But at least in some points it doesn't seem to "go" anyhere. Think it trough again and try to consentrate on what's informative and what's there to create atmospere. With informative I mean also the dialogue that tells us someting about the character.
after that write it again. I would also break the dialogue with something once or twice. Waittres comes, car alarm goes of in the street, something...?
In the first scene of reservoir dogs the dialogue developed during the talk. they discovered something while talking and they also were disagreeing a lot... You have probably seen it thousand times but if that's wat you'r trying to do ...watch it again.
I liked it. Okay, but I guess you want a little more insight than that. It did remind me of the opening scene of reservoir dogs - and not just because of the setting - but that's much more broken up. For starters, there are so many more people to create diversity. I liked the blueberry muffin touch, very nice.
Isn't the blueberry muffin thing just lifted word for word from Casino?
Maybe that was your point...? Miker made me take out all the word for word quotes in Crooked Features the spoilsport [img]frown.gif[/img] we did have a few but copyright issues can be problem apparently...
It reminded me of the opening scene of Pulp Fiction rather than dogs. Perhaps (like in pulp fiction) the relevance of the scene only becomes obvious later in the piece because, out of context, it goes on for a while and doesn't seem to say very much. Nothing wrong with that at all if (as said before) you're setting things up a big pay off later on.
EDIT:
Just noticed you were asking about the dialogue. To me it's natural enough but a little bit like you're trying too hard to emulate Tarantino - particularly with the airport story.
Also - and this is entirely my opinion - I think people are more succinct than that.
Example:
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">More like this:Luci: Okay, no minimum wage jobs. But I don’t see why we can’t keep doing the jobs we’re doing. I’m living pretty comfortably, and I know you are too.
Jessi: Yeah, well, living pretty comfortably isn’t good enough. If I went back to work for Shane, I know I could double the money that I’m making now, and so could you.
Luci: Okay, no minimum wage jobs. But we're doing okay.
Jessi: Yeah, well, we'd make twice as much if we were working for Shane.
I really liked the "okay's not good enough" thing and would be tempted to stick it back in but is it really that important? Because:
Jessi: Yeah, well, okay's not good enough, we'd make twice as much if we were working for Shane.
Doesn't read as well/naturally in my opinion.
(But - of course - it's not certain that the son of god and everyone's favourite fallen angel would talk like ordinary people [img]wink.gif[/img] )
It's just one opinion, I've tried to be constructive. Hope I was helpful.
<font color="#a62a2a"><font size="1">[ May 09, 2004 05:53 PM: Message edited by: Kiff_Kroker ]</font></font>
<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ May 09, 2004 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Kiff_Kroker ]</font>
The muffin banter in Casino goes like this:
<font size="2" face="Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif">I hadn't realized just how alike they were. But I also wasn't aware that one could find themselves in trouble for using words that have been used before. But I suppose it's just like plagiarism. Or... plaigarism... However 'tis spelled.ACE: Look at yours.
GREEN: What?
ACE: Look at that. Look at this. There's nothin' . . . look how many blueberries your muffin has and how many mine has. Yours is falling apart. I have nothing.
GREEN: What are you talking about?
ACE: It's like everything else in this place. You don't do it yourself, it never gets done.
Now then - as odd and false as it may seem, I'm not really trying to emulate Tarantino, but I am flattered that you said it sounded like I was, even though you weren't necessarily saying that as a compliment. I just closed my eyes and imagined these two characters having a conversation, and that's mostly how it came out.
The airport story is something I read on a message board I post on, and I thought it was funny so I asked the poster if I could use it in a script. Seeing a place to put it in there, I did.
I was doing some thinking after I posted this, and I'd already decided that they shouldn't just sit there talking the whole time. A little movement would be nice, thought I. Originally, this scene was going to be done in one take (like that scene with Dante and Caitlin in Clerks.), and if we messed up, we'd start filming it over. That was the plan. I'm not sure what will be happening - maybe the dialogue could take place from them coming into the breakfast diner, ordering their muffins, getting them, and exiting again. I don't know.
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